


Face it, your dad is hot.

by subtropicalStenella



Series: SWR: PTAU [7]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hot Dad Kanan, Suburbia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 15:47:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13860936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subtropicalStenella/pseuds/subtropicalStenella
Summary: Ask from Rebels-PTAU blogAny stories about anyone else being jerks to the family?





	1. Chapter 1

Eh, the real problem isn't jerks so much as what Sabine likes to call “poachers”.

See, we came to the horrified realization a few months ago that people think Caleb is  _ hot. _

I know, right? I mean, okay he's thirty-two, not fifty-two and he's in pretty good shape with all the therapeutic running/calisthenics, and now the getting back into martial arts since his “cane-fu” instructor (some Donnie Yen-looking guy named Chirrut) convinced him to start teaching his whole thing of “If you have your hands on them or they've grabbed you, you don't  _ need _ to see them”.

 

And now that summer has rolled around he’s was familiar enough with the area that he can actually _run_ and he started dragging me along because I’m on the track team now anyway. Between all that and the haircut and the sleeves-torn-off running gear that shows off his ink without showing off his bullet holes and the Ray Bans, he looks like he rolled out of bed and onto the set of something like _Sixteen Candles_ or _Breakfast Club_ as Bad Boy Love Interest #1. 

 

You’d think the blindness thing would throw them, but the fact that he compensates really well for it, enough that people sometimes don't notice until they see his cane or he takes off his glasses just makes it weirdly sexy-pitiable because he's Just So Brave.

 

Roll it all together and he's apparently Suburban Mom catnip. 

 

Most of them are fine, like, Mrs. “Call Me Annette” Davis is harmless. She lives across the street from the neighborhood park and has apparently made Caleb-Watching part of her morning routine. She'll be out on her porch with a coffee cup and a book she doesn't read while Caleb cranks out a few dozen pull-ups on the monkey bars and goads me through however many I can manage. I asked Katylynne about it one time and she just kinda shrugged like, “Eh, between me, the twins and the divorce, she needs some Me Time.”

 

Which was totally fine, but then she had to keep going.

 

“That and she says 'Dating is a shark tank I don't want to dive into again, but Mommy has needs.’”

 

Ew.

 

“Face it, your dad’s hot.”

 

And then Katylynne started joining her mom out on the porch and pointedly yelling Good Morning! at us. It's a bonding ritual for them now I think.

 

It only started getting  _ weird _ the first time Hera got deployed after we moved here. Unfortunately there's Ye Olde Stereotypes about military families: The spouse left at home is basically single, right? (Wrong, ew.) But that didn't stop the casseroles showing up at the door, held level with unusually (and completely pointlessly) low necklines and promises to make sure he called if he needed absolutely  _ anything _

 

Mrs. “Call Me Diane” Hallifax isn't serious, I'm pretty sure she's just getting a little Desperate Housewives/50 Shades/Cosmo Sex Tips-Style Illicit Thrill out of her system via Forbidden Flirtation and  _ someone  _ should appreciate her ham-and-broccoli-cheddar quiche because holy crap it's amazing. I might kill a man over the peanut-butter 'brookies’ (it's double dutch chocolate brownies with peanut butter cookies baked in somehow?!)

 

Mrs. “Oh,  _ please _ , it's Karen” Marshall is a little creepy and the real reason Caleb started dragging me along on his runs. Apparently she just ran up beside him one morning (in, I and thus he, would later discover, head-to-toe Victoria Secret PINK! running gear, complete with teeny-tiny velour jacket half-zipped over teeny-tiny push-up sports bra (WHY BOTHER HE'S BLIND)) and was running  _ way too close _ so she kept “accidentally” brushing against him (which made him veer sideways to compensate and subsequently nearly smack into a stop sign, which would have been hilariously ironic) and she wouldn't fucking shut up about how much yoga she does. I'm basically an inverse-wingman, and provide helpful tension relief like, “Oh yeah, Hera’s really flexible too,  _ and  _ she can bench-press him. It's pretty cool.” She mysteriously got bored of running for cardio after like, a week of cockblocking. Or whatever the female version is.

 

… and then there's That Bitch Cecile Greene. Who, by the way, we didn't name. She's kind of queen of the community, head of the PTA, Neighborhood Watch Council, HOA, all the acronym societies that go into running a gated community with an iron fist. 

 

She fights  _ dirty.  _ Like, all that sympathy stuff, the “Call if you need  _ anything _ ”? All of that, but laced with things like how it must be  _ so hard _ being a single dad… well, not quite a single dad but doesn't it seem like it sometimes? And sure the kids are sweet but it's just so much to ask to raise them alone... He must get so lonely… 

 

And God only knows what  _ she's  _ doing out there. Oh, no, of course she wouldn’t do anything like  _ that  _ but there are those rumors you hear about sailors and pilots and she's both...

 

She never outright  _ said _ Hera was abandoning us when she went to sea, but she was basically doing a fucking manipulation tango around the words, and she was never quite rude or invasive enough for Caleb to feel right about telling her to fuck off like he should and  _ wanted to _ . Just enough to get under his skin, destabilize him.

 

Thanks lady, way to prey on a guy battling chronic depression and, oh yeah, the fear that he's not good enough for his girl anymore, ever since he was brutally tortured and crippled.

 

Luckily, she tried her shit on Hera. The same sort of backwards-compliment-insult at (of all places) a PTA meeting. Some crap about how it must be So Hard, that Hera is So Brave to stay with Caleb even through all the Hardship he was going through…

 

And Hera, who knew aaaaaall about her shit from me and Sabine, looks this Martha Stewart wannabe dead in the face, takes a sip of her sugar-free punch and says,

 

“They burnt out his eyeballs, Cecile, not the important ones.”

(Sabine and I, of course, were in earshot, and I nearly died via punch inhalation because I knew where she was going with this.)

Cecile had kinda like, blinked, because oh no she won't. “I… don't quite understand what you mean?”

 

“I mean he still fucks like a goddamn champion,” Hera answers calmly, still sipping her punch like she isn't discussing her sex life in the middle of a fucking PTA MEETING. “I'm sure as shit not about to give that kind of dick up just because I have to explain what's going on onscreen for Movie Night.”

“I _beg_ your pardon?!”

“We may not have spent a couple thousand dollars on a sparkly rock and a white dress but it's still TIL DEATH DO US PART.” 

 

And then she tossed her cup in the trash walked over, hooked Caleb’s arm in hers and they WALKED OUT. 

 

Conveniently Sabine was already set to stay over with Ketsu and I had literally JUST asked Caleb if I could go to Zare’s. Definitely don't want to be home after that. 


	2. "Homewrecker"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continued ask:
> 
> So it's established that Suburban Moms think Kanan's hot, how do the Dads take it?

That was pretty easily solved. The only one that really seemed to have a problem (read: noticed) was Diane's husband Dave.

Dave's a good guy, it's not that he doesn't love her, it's just that his job's a lot of long, grinding hours and he's too goddamn busy half the time. But he wants to put the effort in, y'know?

So when he confronted me, or at least, tried to, at the Neighborhood Watch Council (which I go to entirely to find out how many ways people can awkwardly dance around phrases like "See Something, Say Something." without """offending""" me and not realizing that I give absolutely 0 fucks about it.) I just kinda pulled him aside like,

"Dave, buddy, don't get me wrong, Diane is a sweetheart and I don't know how you don't weigh 300lb because her lasagna is incredible,  _but...,"_

and I put my arm around his shoulders.

"Have you  _seen_ my wife? I have. All this--" I wave my hand in front of my face. "--Is recent. Point of fact, the last time I did see  _all_  of her, she was packed into a vintage-style Wonder Woman costume."

Both hands on his shoulders now, earnestly.

"She used the lasso on me, Dave.  _You got no threat from me."_

Dave's slumping a little, now.

"Diane just wants a little extra attention, alright? What's your commute like with work?"

"'Bout forty-five minutes."

"Well that kills the idea of a nooner. Alright, here's what you're gonna do. About lunch time, you call her, text, whatever. Tell her you can't stop thinking about her, and you want to come home early. Before the kids get home, you get me?"

"Uh..."

"If she's interested, you get your ass home and you eat her out, standing up in the kitchen. You will make her fucking  _week."_

_"Uh..."_

"Dave. Trust me."

And Dave thinks about it. 

And thinks about it some more.

And says, 

"She did really like the new movie."

"Atta boy, Dave."

**Author's Note:**

> Spouse separation as a sore subject for the author? In MY AU? It's more likely than you think!


End file.
